What the United Nations and Anytime Fitness have in common

Frequently, people ask me why I made such a "drastic career change" from being the owner of the Anytime Fitness franchise in Cottage Grove, Oregon to starting a Master's degree in Conflict Resolution and interning at the United Nations.  This question surprised me at first because, from my perspective, it’s not a career change at all.  My goal has always been to live a healthy and happy life, and to help others to do the same.  Exercise and peaceful conflict resolution may be more closely related than you've previously considered.

Let's first look at exercise.  By now it's no secret that we all need exercise for good health.  And not just once in a while, or for just a month or a year.  For the rest of our lives.  On most days of the week.  That's one of the realities of life, as I see it.  Exercise, like brushing our teeth, is something we have to do for good health.  And not just physical health, mental health is impacted by exercise as well.  Regular exercisers have higher self-esteem, sleep better, miss less days of and are more productive at work, and have more energy to spend playing with their kids or having sex.  (Yes, regular exercisers have more sex).  Again, you've likely heard this all before.  I'm going to take it a step further and state that, based on my observations; people who exercise regularly are generally happier people. 

If all this is true - regular exercisers lead happier, more productive lives - why isn't everyone doing it?  Well, because exercising regularly is a hard thing to do.  It takes time, extra effort and self-discipline.  Let's face it; not exercising is just so much easier.

Now let's turn to the subject of conflict.  Like exercise, conflict is a reality of life.  Unlike exercise, which has a positive connotation, conflict has a negative one.  People generally hate conflict and avoid it when possible.  Conflict also has numerous meanings.  It can be everything from feeling frustrated at your boss for never acknowledging the good work you do, to religious groups killing in order to gain control of land.  For the sake of this conversation, I want to think about the former, so-called interpersonal conflict.

Each of us experiences interpersonal conflict, likely on most days of the week.  In your family, at the workplace, in the community - this type of conflict is ubiquitous.  It may increase our stress levels, causing us to lose sleep, and have less energy.  (And you know what that means...less sex).  In general, it has a negative impact on our lives...which is exactly why we try to avoid it.  But here's the reality - interpersonal conflict is unavoidable.  Unless you decide to live alone in a cave, you will never be able to go through life conflict-free.  So why don't we accept the fact that we can't avoid conflict and instead focus on how to handle it in a productive yet peaceful manner?

Here are some possible answers to that question.  

1. In contemporary American society, non-confrontation is more accepted than confrontation.  The status quo supports serving your neighbor with a lawsuit over simply talking to him.  Why?  There are lots of psychological theories that help explain this that I'll save for another blog post.  Suffice it to say, confronting someone about a concern you have with them can be a very scary, and risky, thing to do.  

2. We don't have the tools we need to communicate in a manner which would aid in resolving the conflict.  My junior and high school American education taught me how to speak English well; I know a little bit about history too.  But I can't recall ever having a required class that helped me relate to other people.  A class that taught me skills like suspending my judgment until I have all the facts or striving to see things from another's perspective.  This may be most important knowledge we offer our children, yet, most adults aren't taught these skills.
3. Like exercise, handling conflict peacefully and productively is a hard thing to do.  It takes time, extra effort and self-discipline.  Let's face it; not trying is just so much easier.

Think about a time you felt angry at someone for something they did, and it caused you to treat them differently.  You felt justified in your new treatment of them because, in your mind, you were right and they were wrong.  (In their mind the exact opposite was true).  Then, one day you learned something that you didn't previously know, and it turned out your anger was misplaced.  Do you remember the feeling that washed over you after learning what really happened?  How did you react?  Did how you behaved toward them during the conflict cause you to feel embarrassment?  Were you concerned that your future relationship might be affected?  Did you regret that you hadn't just talked to them about it and straightened things out from the beginning?  Why didn't you?  

Now think about a time when you chose to address a conflict you were having with someone that resulted in a better understanding of what had happened.  You left the conversation free of the trepidation you went in with.  Not only were you relieved that the conflict had been resolved, you were proud of yourself for handling it the way you did.  You saved yourself weeks of damaging stress.  As a consequence, you were happier and healthier.

The way I see it, handling conflict in a peaceful and productive manner is not only a good idea, it's imperative for living a healthy life.  Here is where I draw the parallel between conflict resolution and exercise.  For years people thought exercise was a good idea - something you could choose to do if you wanted to.  We now know that exercise is required for optimum health.  Likewise, resolving our issues in a peaceful manner is not just a good idea; peaceful and productive conflict management is required for optimum health.  It's an idea some professionals in the conflict resolution field call positive conflict.

Seemingly an oxymoron, positive conflict is the idea that we should not only accept that conflict is inevitable, we should use it to our advantage.  Conflict can act as an optimum opportunity for learning and growth if we choose to approach it as such.  A nascent idea even in academia, moving to a culture of positive conflict will require an entire psychological paradigm shift.  Discussing it on this blog post is proof that the shift has already begun.

So, you see, the United Nations and Anytime Fitness aren't so disparate after all.  I opened an Anytime Fitness club in order to encourage others to live a healthier, and therefore happier, life.  I'm pursuing a Master's degree in Conflict Resolution and working at the United Nations for exactly the same reason.  There is no easy answer to what makes for a happy life, but based on my experience, exercise and peaceful conflict resolution are two key elements.

I will leave you with one of the most clever and unique things I've seen in New York...the Times Square "Free Hugs" guy...